You can take this post with a little hint of bias, because I’ve been trying to be a parent for about two decades now naturally and I haven’t quite hit that mark yet.
The common take on parenthood from those within the throes of it is: “Hardest but most rewarding job I’ve ever had.”
Without getting too woke here, it is hard to separate the realities of modern parenting and all you need to juggle from the realities of late-stage capitalism and all you need to juggle therein. The data is sketchy on this stuff, but 50–60 years ago, something like 55% of American families were single-income. Now it’s like 21% and declining. I know some conservative minister fools have come out and gone viral saying “Women working destroyed society.” That’s wrong, and it actually benefits society in many ways, but yes — two parents with demanding jobs, as their own parents age and figure out their finances, is a lot to figure out for anyone. I basically manage my dog, some essence of sobriety, and my wife’s emotions where I can help. And even that’s a lot.
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I get confused sometimes how the prevailing narrative on “young people seem more depressed” is “Well, it must be tech!” or “It must be social media!” I guess those are the easiest reasons to grasp for. Before we go any further, we should also admit that young people were probably depressed 50–60 years ago — we just discussed it a whole lot less. One time when I was maybe 7–8, my dad (maybe 48 at the time; he had kids “late”) was drunk and started crying about how his dad “left him for the war.” So I mean, yea, I think kids were depressed in 1945. I just don’t think we had lots of studies and viral posts about it, naw mean?
There’s a new study out with the main finding that “Instagram causes depression in teenage girls” (I thought we already knew that?) and it’s been covered like gangbusters by a bunch of people. Here’s a halfway-decent New York Times column on it.
I know Lorenz gets a lot of sh*t from different sides. Based on this tweet, I’d say some of that sh*t is deserved. It just seems so “sky is falling.” I know a lot of kids who are genuinely happy. I also know kids who are depressed. Those children live in the same world, and look at TikTok and play games on iPads and all that with seemingly the same regularity. What’s the actual difference, then?
Wait, one more hellscape take. This is from Jessica Valenti. She writes:
“In the midst of all this violence and dehumanization, their depression is actually very reasonable!”
Again, it’s hard to be a teenage girl. Probably way harder than I know. I’m not sure it’s fully dehumanizing, but what do I know?
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OK, so let’s go back to finding root causes. I’ll tell you a quick anecdotal story.
I had some friends through church that had a kid. At the time, it was kind of an annoying situation, because I’m a bitter old crow and my dick doesn’t work properly in the context of conception.
We were in this small group with multiple couples. It was down to us and them in terms of “Who doesn’t have kids?” So they got pregnant pretty fast. Instead of coming to us directly and saying “Hey, this happened,” they just bombed all of us with a small-boots-on-a-mountain photo.
Alright, so I try to be less of a bitch in this situation, which is hard for me. When that woman is about six months pregnant, I go to coffee with the dude on a Sunday. We have an OK conversation. So I know his wife is really big on the ol’ Instagram thing, but I also know he’s a lawyer and has expressed interest in not posting photos of his soon-to-be-born child online. I asked him, “Hey, so you gonna be posting pics of that kid, or what?”
He says no. Absolutely not. Foot down.
Within 72 hours of that kid being born months later, we had full-face shots on social media of that kid. We have ever since. Foot down? Nope.
What does that meandering story have to do with anything? I’m sure those people are fine to great parents of a young one. They’re smart and empathetic. But just because you have a kid doesn’t mean you stop living your own life and chasing your own desires for relevance or anything.
The common thread in “reported increase of youth depression” could actually be parenting. GASP!
We even have a term for an emergent style of parenting: snowplow.
That’s where you pave over every problem for a kid, so they don’t have any real resilience or ability to fix their own sh*t. When life deals them lemons, as life will do, they get sad and frustrated. Now, everyone has to feel sad and frustrated at some point — it’s part of growing — but it can be especially jarring if mommy and daddy protected you from every little touch of the stove for 14 years. Then middle school and high school belt you in the face, and you’re depressed. That’s parenting more than “Oh God the phones.”
Please also note: the same moms who often bemoan “the phones” barely ever put down their own phones.
As far as discussions and debates go, we like “catch-all” things to blame.
The phones!
The Internet!
The mental health!
The capitalism!
The patriarchy!
The TikToks!
It’s hard to blame “parenting” because, well, a lot of people are parents. And they don’t want to blame themselves. And parenting is inherently individual and each style is a little bit different. I think a lot of middle-aged female (and male) depression comes from thinking, “I’ll be better at this than my parents were!” and then realizing as kindergarten approaches, “Oh wow, I do the same sh*t my parents did. Oh God.”
So the core factor here seems to be parenting, not necessarily “Amy spent a lot of time on TikTok.” I don’t think Amy and TikTok is a good relationship, no. But maybe Amy and her mom Colleen is the relationship we need to discuss and debrief more.
There’s nuance here with boys and girls too. I don’t think (IMHO) young boys have good role models, generally. You have a percentage of households without a dad, and that’s crept up since 1990. Beyond that, in a lot of households with a dad, the dad is working 2–3 jobs or the dad is beholden to a boss who wants him tethered to email when he should be throwing a ball or reading. Those are tropes, yes. But bad management f*cks up parenting too.
I think we have a “sky is falling” approach with tech, even though in our own lives, we often rush to tech, or stare at phones while on a spouse “date night.” It’s kinda funny. And I’m no tech apologist. I use it and don’t live in a cave in Samoa somewhere (although periodically I wish I did), but I also think the tech industry has done more harm than good at the personal and psychological levels.
It just feels sometimes like we’re letting “parenting” off the hook as a reason why kids are depressed. Maybe be more active with your young’ins? Especially dads? Maybe show ’em you care? Etc, etc. That could be my own old crow bitterness about infertility, but it’s something I don’t think is discussed enough.
Takes?
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